


A liquid love, a set of drowned words

by shou



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drowning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Magical Realism, Makoto-centric, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Unrequited Love, a chapter of reigisa!, like not really? but maybe man, makoharu is endgame just fyi, this is fuckin angsty as hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-06-23
Packaged: 2018-06-05 05:48:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6692095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shou/pseuds/shou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <span>He's going to drown, one day.</span>
  <br/>
  <em></em>
  <br/>
  <span></span>
  <br/>
  <em></em>
  <br/>
  <span>Makoto doesn’t know when it got this bad, only he does. He can pinpoint the exact moment so much water swelled up in his lungs he nearly stopped breathing.</span>
  <br/>
  <span>Or: I took a twist on the <a href="https://cypherptwhat.wordpress.com/2015/03/28/13-hanahaki-disease/">Hanahaki Disease</a>, aka my favorite fictional illness of all time. </span>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. routine

**Author's Note:**

> angst, man

Loving Haru is not a sickness.

 

Loving Haru is just a state of being.

 

Makoto repeats those words to himself every day when he wakes up. When he pulls on his school uniform and packs two lunches, he closes his eyes and repeats those words. When he brushes his teeth and avoids looking at himself in the mirror, it’s those words going round and round in his head. When he downs the two little white pills that will dry up the droplets he keeps coughing up, he mutters those words and tries to stay upright. When he calls out goodbye to his mother and little siblings, the words are faded, but they’re still very much there. By the time he reaches Haru’s bathtub, his hand extended to lift Haru up, the words are nearly completely faded into the background.

 

The smile Makoto gives Haru as a good morning is bright and a little sleepy, and the tight corners of his mouth aren’t visible to anyone but himself.

 

They eat breakfast, and Makoto laughs at Haru and his apron and lack of anything but mackeral. Makoto makes tea, and disguises a soft cough that brings a pool of water to his mouth by gulping down a glass of the stuff from Haru’s tap.

 

Makoto waits on the couch while Haru changes, and he turns over a pillow when he accidently drips three droplets of water on the cushion. He holds a handkerchief he keeps in his pocket to his mouth, drying the wetness that keeps slipping past his lips.

 

They walk side by side to school, with the ocean on one side, their shadows stretching towards the surf. Makoto is a little quieter than normal, too afraid he’ll start forming a tiny rainstorm in his lungs. He mentions a few things, but Haru is quiet as ever, and Makoto lets his comments go quickly.

 

They would slide into their desks at the same time, only Makoto excuses himself. One last opportunity to pound a little on his chest in the boy’s bathroom, to get the excess water out of his lungs and into the sink. Sometimes, it’s a little red. Makoto doesn’t look at the sink much on those days.

 

Loving Haru is not a sickness.

 

Loving Haru is just a state of being.

  


Makoto doesn’t know when it got this bad. It used to just be a few coughs, here and there. A few too many mouthfuls of water. A few panicked wake ups in the middle of the night, dreams of drowning turned real as he wakes up with liquid in his lungs and an ache in his heart. But it was only a few. It was okay.  But these days, Makoto’s nearly drowning. The pills don’t dry it up anymore. And the water is turning red. Red as Rin’s hair.

 

Makoto doesn’t know when it got this bad, only he does. He can pinpoint the exact moment so much water swelled up in his lungs he nearly stopped breathing.

 

Haru had been looking at sharp teeth and long hair, and there had been such a glint in his eye. It was a shimmer, a spark, a heat that Makoto’s cold fingertips reached hopelessly for, but could never reach. Haru wasn’t looking at Makoto with that heat, and Makoto knew he never would. Which was fine. Everything was fine.

 

Everything is fine, and Makoto coughs up (sometimes bloody) water.

  



	2. blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> H HH HOLY HECK?? THE RESPONSE TO THIS FIC WAS SO !!!!! ?? IM CRYING??????  
> ANYWAYS I DECIDED IM GONNA KEEP GOING FOR AT LEAST A FEW CHAPTERS  
> IM JUST IN AWE??  
> ("i love makoto but i like to watch him suffer" is my entire mentality mannNNN)  
> OKAY GUYS SO THIS IS A THING NOW? ALL BC OF U GUYS ITS A THING  
> there is no timeline here man

It pains Makoto to cry for help in the form of a late night text sent to Rin, short and to the point and pecked out with one hand, his other holding a towel to his mouth as his pain leaks out in rivulets. 

 

> To:  [ redshark_matsuoka@mail.yahoo.co.jp ](mailto:redshark_matsuoka@mail.yahoo.co.jp)
> 
> From:  [ tachi_makototoro@curio-city.com ](mailto:tachi_makototoro@curio-city.com)
> 
> Subject: Please
> 
>  
> 
> _ I need your help with Haruka.  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ -Makoto _

 

The message feels empty, too vague and wrong. Makoto never calls him  _ Haruka _ .  _ Haruka _ is the name on official documents, shrugged off and glared at. But he can’t bring himself to use the usual name, so riddled with affection it makes Makoto cringe. 

 

> To:  [ tachi_makototoro@curio-city.com ](mailto:tachi_makototoro@curio-city.com)
> 
> From:  [ redshark_matsuoka@mail.yahoo.co.jp ](mailto:redshark_matsuoka@mail.yahoo.co.jp)
> 
> Subject: re: please
> 
>  
> 
> _ heard u 2 fought. what do you need me to do?  _
> 
>  
> 
> To:  [ redshark_matsuoka@mail.yahoo.co.jp ](mailto:redshark_matsuoka@mail.yahoo.co.jp)
> 
> From:  [ tachi_makototoro@curio-city.com ](mailto:tachi_makototoro@curio-city.com)
> 
> Subject: re: re: Please
> 
>  
> 
> _ Help him find a future?  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ -Makoto  _
> 
>  
> 
> To:  [ tachi_makototoro@curio-city.com ](mailto:tachi_makototoro@curio-city.com)
> 
> From:  [ redshark_matsuoka@mail.yahoo.co.jp ](mailto:redshark_matsuoka@mail.yahoo.co.jp)
> 
> Subject: re: re: re: please
> 
>  
> 
> _ leave it to me _
> 
>  

Rin’s confidence that he can fix Makoto is both reassuring and heartbreaking. He doesn’t know what Rin will do, and while he tells himself he doesn’t care about the specifics, his fingers are itching to ask. Makoto wants to know what Rin is going to do. But it’s out of his hands now, and Haruka had said it himself, hadn’t he? Makoto a little too meddlesome and nosy. Makoto needs to step back a little. He might as well start now. 

 

Sleep does not come easily that night. There’s too much blue in his mind. 

 

Blue has always been chasing Makoto. There’s the blue of Haruka’s eyes, the blue of the ocean on a sunny, summer day, the blue of a chlorinated pool, the blue of a dark, stormy sea. 

 

The blue of the various waters in Makoto’s life vary from dark and terrifying, tipped with white froth, to the light, crystalline blue of a freshly filled pool. The first makes Makoto hide, but the second one is reassuring. Pool water is a known, it’s familiar. He’s snuck into enough pools to satisfy Haruka’s ever intense thirst to swim to know every shade of pool water there is. 

 

The blue of Haruka’s eyes is also a known. Many people would call it hard and cold, but Makoto knows better. He knows the way Haruka’s softens when he watches Ren and Ran run circles in their excitement at seeing their “Haru-nii-chan.” He knows how Haruka’s eyes widen when he looks up at the silver fish at the aquarium, how his eyelashes frame the reflections of the tank, how they look so impossibly dark in the artificial light. He knows how washed out Haruka’s eyes can look when he’s bored, unfocused and dull. Makoto hates when Haruka’s eyes become so flat. It makes him sick. 

 

Makoto’s favorite blue is the color of Haruka’s eyes when he’s half asleep, curled up next to Makoto in Makoto’s bed, a faint flush making Haruka’s normally pale skin glow in the dark. In those moments, Makoto thinks he could drown in the warm blue of his best friend’s eyes, and he’d breathe in the suffocating blue willingly and with every ounce of strength. 

 

Makoto hasn’t seen that blue in a very, very long time. 

 

That was before Makoto understood why Haruka’s secretive smile made him tingle with heat. They were still young, and Makoto didn’t have to make excuses not to stay the night at Haruka’s house. How would he ever explain the puddle that he wakes up in? Makoto’s so used to sleeping with a towel over his pillow that he forgets, sometimes. He forgets things used to be different, when he didn’t have to hide a side of himself from Haruka. 

 

Sleep does not come easily that night. There’s too much blue in his heart. Makoto does eventually drift off, his phone still clenched in his hand, and thoughts of blue drifting around his consciousness. He doesn’t even notice the lack of water in his mouth. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @me: stop it with the blue
> 
> this chapter (and probably the next one too) is gonna be the only one specifically tied to an episode  
> also tokyo. they're gonna go to tokyo because makoharu+tokyo is literally canon? but FIRST: some angst and mistakes  
> ALSO!!  
> how do u people feel about:  
> sou/rin  
> and maybe some slight  
> sou/mako and mako/kisumi  
> would that be okay  
> ALSO!! if any of yall have a request for something to happen, plz tell me. i need all the help i can get  
> ("He doesn’t even notice the lack of water in his mouth." mmMMM bOI wonder if thatll come up later or if its just me bein a dum)  
> also i may have a tumblr. lmao  
> (sunnysharkie is where i do a lot of crying, gingervolley is where i cry about haikyuu and (sometimes) free and other things)  
> boi this is a long end note  
> im sufferin


	3. sugar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JUST A HEADS UP - THIS IS CHOCK FULL OF KISUMI/MAKOTO like a LOT of it man i just needed mako to get some attention  
> two chapters in one day im sorry i cant just wait to post this i had to do it aLSO THIS IS TWICE AS LONG AS ALL THE OTHER CHAPS. AND I WROTE IT IN LIKE. A LITTLE OVER AN HOUR  
> also if u noticed in the first chap mako uses "haru" and in the second and now third "haruka" yes that is on purpose, it's the difference between post-fight and pre-fight. its just a tiny fact  
> this entire fic is literally just me projecting onto makoto hOO BOY

Makoto wakes up to a phone call, his chest vibrating as his little phone buzzes in urgency. He doesn’t really register for a moment, but then he’s sitting up, wiping his mouth with the edge of his blanket and grimacing at the dark patch on his pillow.

 

“H- _herm_ -ello?” he murmurs, mouth feeling thick, the little puddle on his tongue all hot and gross.

 

“Makoto!”

 

It takes a long pause for Makoto to blink his way into recognizing the sweet voice on the other end.

 

“Kisumi..? Is everything alright with Hayato-kun?” What other reason could Kisumi have for calling, other than the little boy Makoto helped learn to swim?

 

“Nope, I just felt like calling! There’s this new ice cream shop that just opened last week, and I’m dying to go, but I can’t go alone, see, and–”

 

Kisumi’s voice sounds a little like cotton candy, fluffed into a sphere with no edges and all sugary pink. It’s a nice voice to wake up to, Makoto thinks half heartedly, as he listens to Kisumi rattle off plans for what sounds like a reasonably pleasant outing. And, to Makoto’s slight bewilderment, not once does Kisumi mention Haruka. Makoto would like to say it’s not that small fact that makes him start to get up, but–

 

“Alright.”

 

“Really? Great! Meet at the train station near the pool in an hour?”

 

“Sounds perfect. Thank you.”

 

“It’s a date! See you then, Mako!”

 

What the hell is he doing?

 

Makoto stares at his hands after he hangs up, and it’s only when a saliva saturated drip of water lands on his palm that he realizes he’s smiling. It’s too wide, and his mouth is too open, but it’s still a smile. He’s actually looking forward to a day with Kisumi. That thought sticks in his head as he gets up, showers, dresses quickly, downs his pills, and grabs his phone and wallet, slipping them into his pocket easily. Only… he pulls out his phone again, swallowing as a sharp pain slices across his chest. Makoto’s hand aches, and there’s the phantom of Haruka’s wrist clutched in his hands.

 

He sets his phone down. Today… Today he is going to try and not think about blue eyes and heartache. Today is for pink sugar and ice cream.

 

His mother smiles when he says he’ll be out for the day, and waves him off as he steps outside. Her motherly love has always been strong, and Makoto silently thanks her gentle touch to his shoulder as he leaves. He knows she can see that something is wrong, and she’s known about the water he can’t seem to swim free of since it began. But she just smiles, tells him to say hello to Shigino-kun, and sends him on his way.

 

It takes every muscle in Makoto’s body not to go to Haruka’s house and slip inside, have breakfast with his friend like nothing is different. But the windows are strangely dark, and there’s an aura radiating from the place that makes Makoto speed up and run, not stopping until he’s reached the station. He doesn’t know what he’s running from, only that his lungs feel too full and there’s not enough room in his chest, and he has to press the heel of his palm against his mouth to keep the bubbling pressure from overflowing.

 

He’s greeted by an airy laugh, pink hair that’s longer than he remembers, and eyes the color of spring violets. He sinks into those warm colors, letting his hands linger on Kisumi’s shoulders after the other boy hugs him.

 

Makoto knows he’s a little out of it all day, but Kisumi just pulls him along. They sit close together on the train, knees and elbows brushing, and Makoto keeps his chin up. That way, no extra pools form in the extra spaces in his mouth.

 

The ice cream shop is rose themed, and Makoto doesn’t miss the fact it’s very couples oriented. The pinks and reds surround them, and Kisumi blends right in. Makoto’s laughing at Kisumi’s antics as he tries to eat an ice cream cone with three perfect scoops of ice cream piled on top of each other, and he forgets for a little while. He forgets about blue eyes and watery coughs, because all he can think about is rosy pink and sugar and violets.

 

Kisumi’s plans turn out to extend past ice cream. They go to some sort of fancy garden filled with decorative trees and flowers, swarming with butterflies and bees. Kisumi’s voice surrounds Makoto like a white picket fence, keeping him away from thought of red hair and blue eyes and sharp teeth nipping at pale skin and–

 

They go to the gym next, and Kisumi twirls a basketball teasingly. It takes all of three smiles for Makoto to agree, and they play until their slouched against the walls, breathing heavily. Somewhere between jumps and dodges their shirts were tossed aside, and Makoto grimaces at the feeling of a cold wall against his sticky back. But Kisumi’s still smiling, and there’s something in his eyes that makes Makoto pause. Kisumi’s looking at him with… pity? Sympathy? It makes Makoto duck his head, grabbing his shirt as he starts to cough, and the dreaded slice of water ripping from his lungs makes him gag.

 

“Makoto.”

 

Something is different about the way Kisumi says his name in that moment than the hundred other times he’s said it that day. It’s low, and there’s something darker and more vibrant in Kisumi’s voice. Makoto’s heart feels heavy at the intensity, and he can’t respond.

 

“Makoto,” Kisumi persists, and this time there’s a pair of shadowed eyes close to Makoto’s, and a hand pressing against his shoulder. “Makoto, stop hiding. I know you’re in pain, but don’t hide from me. Let me distract you, for a little while.”

 

Makoto looks up at Kisumi, his eyes tracking high cheek bones that shine with a soft blush and a sheen of sweat. He lets himself daydream, for a second, turning violets into pools of ocean water, before he shakes himself out of the shadows and meets Kisumi’s eyes directly.

 

He reaches up, pushing past the guilt and the storm in his chest to pull Kisumi forward, pressing their mouths together in some sort of drowning man’s struggle.

 

It’s sloppy, because Kisumi lacks finesse, and Makoto’s too far gone to focus properly, and there’s a small waterfall coming from his lips, the drips sliding down both their necks. Makoto’s terrified of drowning, but Kisumi just keeps pushing forward, and somewhere, Makoto wishes he was that brave in the face of unfamiliar waters. Kisumi only pulls away to grab their shirts, pulling his own on and helping Makoto with his, before he’s close again, turning Makoto’s world pink, from his cheeks to his lips to his mind, swamped in roses and violets and fluffy cotton candy.

 

The blue that brings pangs of searing sadness to Makoto’s world is pushed aside by glowing hues of pink, and while Makoto may be sobbing into Kisumi’s mouth, tears escaping his eyes and water seeping out from between his lips, he can’t help but greedily accept each kiss.

 

Makoto’s been drowning for so long in a sea of bitter, loveless waters, he forgot how warm and sweet a mouthful of sugar can be.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so  
> that happened  
> mako enjoy ur kisu kisses, and lay off all that color thinking  
> makoto's slightly obsessive love is something that i kinda covet, cause i'm very much the same shrugs  
> reigisa are gonna show up soon to break the news about haru's whereabouts p soon  
> (i might make an 8 tracks playlist for this fic IDK MAN HMMM)  
> (also a note to remember: the endgame is going to be semi happy ending makoharu. i know i know, ergh, but its just how its gonna be. theres gonna b plenty o angst first tho. n kisu/mako. n rinharu, even if it's.. unpleasant...(i really dont like rin, im sorry. he's too similar to people that have just messed me up for me to like him bUT he's a very, very important character).... yep..)  
> AAAAAAAAihavenoselfcontrol


	4. fumble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is... literally just bc i feel guilty for not posting this weekend  
> ergh  
> but looK! a very brief reigisa!!  
> im sorry this is so shitty ITS GON GET BETTER CAUSE HARU'S GONNA COME BACK SOON (like. there will be probably 2 more haru-less chapters? mako and rin gotta talk and the phone man ugh i aint lookin forward to that) 
> 
> m sorry
> 
>  
> 
> im so sorry about this

“Did you know Rin-chan took Haru-chan to  _ Australia! _ ” 

 

It takes several absent heartbeats for Makoto to understand what Nagisa has just trilled, all high pitched and thrilled, his eyes so light in the morning sunlight they look like roses. Rei is standing a little behind him, one finger hooked in the hood of Nagisa’s hoodie to keep him from leaping into Makoto’s house. 

 

“Nagisa-kun, I am sure Makoto-senpai already knew!” Rei scolds, pulling Nagisa backwards and wrapping an arm around the energetic boy’s waist. The gesture is obviously on instinct, and Makoto’s smile is soft as he watches Rei struggle with keeping Nagisa in place. In a mighty attempt at freedom, Nagisa, flings himself forward, and the two go stumbling forward and end up sprawled in Makoto’s door. Rei is spluttering, Nagisa is giggling, and Makoto is laughing with his hands on his hips as he watches his two friends untangle themselves from his floor. 

 

“Thank you for telling me, Nagisa,” he hums, stepping over the other two boys still struggling on his floor. It’s just Makoto and the twins in the house, but the twins are upstairs playing, and while they adore all company, it’s Haruka they love most. They know him by his footstep. Of course, so does Makoto, but that’s just a side effect of spending most of your life with someone. 

 

“Makoto-senpai, you didn’t know?” 

 

Rei’s question is asked as he stands up, nearly tripped and falling again as Nagisa uses Rei’s pant leg to pull himself up. 

 

“I asked Rin to help Haruk–Haru. I left it open for what he wanted to do!” 

 

Nagisa and Rei both look at him strangely, and Makoto grins sheepishly. He had no idea how to help Haruka. Rin knows how to keep Haruka’s head high. Makoto’s not even sure if Haruka wants his extended hand, these days. 

 

The lack of response is suspicious, as all Makoto hears is whispering. When he focuses back on real life, he sees Nagisa whispering behind a cupped hand, while Rei pushed his glasses up even further, nodding with a deep understanding. 

 

“Mako-chan needs to email Haru-chan!” 

“Makoto-senpai needs to email Haruka-senpai!” 

 

“Wha?!” 

 

_ “You said it wrong, Rei-chan!”  _

 

_ “It was you who said it incorrectly!”  _

 

“Mine was  _ perfect,  _ I’ll have you kn–” 

 

Makoto’s tired thoughts can’t keep up with Nagisa and Rei, he really didn’t get much sleep (as loathe as he is to think it, Kisumi was a lot better than Makoto thought he’d be, and had stayed till the sun was peaking over the shoreline), and he’s not sure what they’re on about. An email? From him? To Haruka? 

 

“Anyways, since  _ Rei-chan  _ is being a big dumb and won’t say it right, I’ll say it!” Nagisa jumps forward, planting himself firmly in between Rei and Makoto. “You need to write an email to Haru-chan! Cause I bet he’s lonely!” 

 

Makoto’s laugh is shrill, and he has to swallow quickly. He’s been doing okay, there have been fewer bubbles in his throat, but the prospect of writing Haruka is… unsettling. What makes his chest start to refill with hard liquid is the idea that Haruka might be lonely. He has Rin, he has Rin and they’re far away together, how could Haruka be lonely? 

 

“It’s decided!” 

 

It’s decided? 

 

“Mako-chan is going to write Haru-chan an email!” 

 

Ah. 

* * *

  
  


> To:  [ nanase_haru_ka@curio-city.com ](mailto:nanase_haru_ka@curio-city.com)
> 
> From:  [ tachi_makototoro@curio-city.com ](mailto:tachi_makototoro@curio-city.com)
> 
> Subject: Australia! 
> 
>  
> 
> _ Hi, Haru-chan! How is Australia? How is Rin’s English? Did you sleep well last night?  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ I hope you are well,  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ -Makoto _

 

Makoto took his own sweet time procrastinating sending that email. Nagisa had been poking him the entire time, and Rei had been going over his grammatical errors and spelling time and time again. It took a full half hour for him to send the email, and then he fled, dropping his phone and dragging his friends to the kitchen, calling Ren and Ran downstairs. It was lunch time, not time to wait at his phone. 

 

He does eventually go back to it, in the evening after an entire day with Nagisa and Rei, somehow filled with swimming and snacks and video games, and he only has to excuse himself a few times to cough into a wad of tissues. 

 

Makoto tries so hard not to think about why he’s feeling better. Because the only options are his meeting with Kisumi and Haruka’s absence, and neither of those make him feel anything but itchy guilt and a pale and colorless discomfort. 

 

He only checks for a reply when he’s pulling on pajamas, checking his phone quickly for a response. He doesn’t expect one, as Haruka is not one to pay attention to his phone, and there’s a tiny gurgling noise somewhere from Makoto’s mouth when he sees the notification. 

 

He pulls up the message with an unsteady thumb. 

 

> To:  [ tachi_makototoro@curio-city.com ](mailto:tachi_makototoro@curio-city.com)
> 
> From:  [ nanase_haru_ka@curio-city.com ](mailto:nanase_haru_ka@curio-city.com)
> 
>  
> 
> _ australia is different  _
> 
> _ rin’s english? i don’t know, mine is not great  _
> 
> _ i slept with rin. he was hot _
> 
>  
> 
> _ i’m fine. i’ll see you soon.  _
> 
>  
> 
> _ -haru _

 

Makoto stares at the tiny, digital words. 

 

_ I slept with Rin.  _

 

There is no sea in Makoto’s lungs, no overflowing pool, no uncontrollable torrent. 

  
There a black pool of oily, stagnant water, trickling through the cracks of an already broken heart that can’t figure out how to heal. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is mako getting better? am i just running out of ways to talk about water? who knows, not me  
> NANASE HARUKA LOOK AT YOUR CHOICE OF WORDING BEFORE MAKO LOSES EVERY LAST BIT OF NONEXISTENT HOPE  
> (tbh this entire chapter is built around haru saying "i slept with rin. he was hot" and meaning he LITERALLY SLEPT IN THE SAME BED AS RIN AND RIN WAS A SPACE HEATER but mako has a heart attack  
> THE WATER WILL RETURN NEXT TIME MORE PROMINENTLY  
> if u have a prompt idea, send me a word, and ill see if i can incorporate it into this!  
> ALSO: I HAVENT WATCHED FREE SINCE DECEMBER TBH (not counting 50 off) SO I DO NOT REMEMBER THE TIMELINE AT ALL LMAO WHATEVER  
> again: this is purely bc i feel bad not having written ANYTHING  
> im so sorry this is so bad i might even just delete it later EHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
> (i have haikyuu on the brain and an idea for a freaking long af kagehina fic i hate my life if u wanna come yell abt it w me! tumblr! sunnysharkie!!!!!!!!!)  
> SORRY OKAY BYE


	5. pause

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is getting worse by the chapter lmao  
> brief rin   
> written on a bench in front of the library while singing to my friend (who does not like anime)   
> i am so sorry this is so confusing aAAAAAAaAaAAAaaaaAAAAA

_ I slept with Rin.  _

 

* * *

 

 

“Hi! I’m Makoto!” 

 

“H-haru.” 

  
“Haru-chan?” 

 

“Haru.” 

 

“Come on, Haru-chan, you can build a sand castle with me!” 

 

“I’d rather sw–” 

 

“And then we can go swimming!” 

 

“Alright.” 

 

Their sand castle is built too close to the waves, and is washed away within minutes. 

 

They build it again, this time shaped like a dolphin, and add a tiny, blue flag. 

 

They jump over waves until their legs give out and they flop in the surf. 

 

They sit in the waves together until their mothers drag them back, wrap them in towels and worry over their blue fingers. 

 

They smile at each other from under damp bangs, twin blushes and sparkling eyes. 

 

Makoto dreams of small, pale hands, dolphins, and the sea.

 

* * *

 

 

_ I slept with Rin. _

 

* * *

 

 

It’s White Day, and Makoto has a small forget-me-not clutched in his little hand. He had to give up the shiny silver yen coin he found under a flowerpot filled with too much green and no flowers, but it’s worth it when Haru’s eyes widen and he closes his hands around the flower, both of them, and holds it like it’s something precious.

 

* * *

 

 

_ I slept with Rin. _

 

* * *

 

 

“Can we take her home?” 

 

“There’s no room for a fishbowl at our house, dear…” 

 

“But Haru-chan won her for me!” 

 

“Makoto, love, find someone else to give the fish t–” 

 

“I’ll keep her.” 

 

“Eh, Haru-chan?! Really?!” 

 

“Give it to me. I’ll take care of it. For Makoto.”

 

* * *

 

 

_ I slept with Rin.  _

 

He slept with Rin. 

 

“–to? Makoto, I swear, if you somehow butt-answered me, I’m gonna fly back without your idiot and kick your ass, just you watch me, or I’ll get Sousuke to do it, and I’ll–” 

 

Rin is talking on the phone, his voice loud and tinny in Makoto’s ear. He doesn’t know why he picked up his phone. He still feels like something in him is bleeding, and he’s sure that if he opens his mouth, nothing but garbled burbling will come out. 

 

“Makoto, come on, I need your help with Haru. How the hell do you get him to eat normal food? And what do you do if he doesn’t go in the ocean–Makoto, I  _ know  _ you’re there, I can literally hear you breathing.” 

 

Makoto bites his tongue to stifle his reply, bites down on whatever he might say. There’s water trickling out of the corners of his mouth like tear tracks, only his eyes are dry. 

 

“He’s okay, Makoto.” 

 

Rin’s words finally pull him to answer, quiet and a little muffled. 

 

“Th-thank you, Rin.” 

 

“Huh? Nah, don’t thank me. The vacation was nice, and Haru and I settled out some stuff.”    
  


The way Rin says it makes something twist in Makoto’s gut, something made of ice and dread. 

 

“I know how hard this must be for you, but we’ll be back soon and it’ll be okay. This is for the better, it really is,” Rin hums, and he sounds like he really believes it. He says it like it’s just simple fact. Does he know? Does he know that Makoto can’t stop the rainstorm he’s whipped up for Haruka? Does Rin know that soon he’s going to start breaking apart at the seams, spilling out a useless love that probably could fill a small pool? 

 

“It’s late, man… For both of us. You wanna talk to the idiot or should I leave that to when we get back? Hey, Haru, you wanna talk to Mak–oh, he’s already asleep. Huh.” 

 

Makoto starts to shake his head, only to realize Rin can’t see him. He mumbles a quiet no, the image of Rin talking on the phone with Haruka curled up against him (Haruka always curls up against his bedmate, at least, he did when they were kids) burned into his brain as he closes his eyes slowly. 

 

“Goodnight. Rin.”    
  


“G’night, Makoto. See ya soon.” 

 

Makoto can’t help but wonder if Haruka was simply faking sleep, waiting for Rin to put down the phone so he can lean in, hands on Rin’s chest and sliding under his shirt, sliding their mouths toge–

 

His mouth falls open and his stomach clenches as slimy, murky water splashes over his hands, his cell phone, his lap. The light blue of his shirt turns purple when the spots of blood hit the soft fabric. 

 

Makoto doesn’t want to think about the color purple. Red and blue eyes, slender fingers hooked together, all mixing together in a heated, dark mass. Purple spots on his shirt, purple stripes on a pair of jammers. 

 

_ I slept with Rin.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was mothering my friend all day and i am so worried about mako mAN   
> ALL UR COMMENTS LITERALLY?? MAKE ME SOB?????????????   
> i read them all at least three times a day  
> okay okay one more and then HARU RETTTUUUUUURRRRRNNNNSSSSSS and he is a changed man  
> a changed fish   
> a changed dolphin  
> hoo boi its been a long day


	6. look

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DID IT GUYS, I ADDED THE TAG "ANGST WITH A H A P P Y E N D I N G" also a emotional h/c tag? and yeah thats gonna have some makoharu scenes bc haru's gonna catch on someday (when the cows come home painted pink)   
> if u dont like reigisa, skip this chapter  
> what the hell is this  
> this is entirely reigisa  
> what happened  
> IDK WHAT HAPPENED  
> thats such a lie i know [exaCTLY WHAT HAPPENED](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNzlV2NzSRA)  
> (that video made me want to write reigisa, so this shitty, short chapter happened, lmao im sorry)

“Do you think Mako-chan is okay?” 

 

Rei glances up from his book at the question in curiosity. “Has Makoto-senpai been ill? Did something happen?” 

 

Nagisa flops onto his back, rolling over onto Rei’s lap and stretching from the tips of his fingers down to his toes. “It’s just, when we told him that Haru-chan went to Australia, he got this.. this look?” The boy hums, absently pulling at his bangs as he gazez up at Rei from under his eyelashes. 

 

“A look?” Finally, Rei is paying attention. He sets his book on the arm of the couch, turning his focus to the boy now resting his lap. “I’m not sure I understand, Nagisa-kun.” 

 

After a thoughtful pause, broken only by his humming of concentration, Nagisa says, “It’s this… this look. I call it the Haru-chan-angst look.” He halts, gaze turning to his own hands as the fiddles with the collar of Rei’s shirt. “He only has it when Haru-chan’s not looking. And it happens around Rin-chan a lot! It’s like, remember the look you used to get? We both did, actually. Before?” 

 

Rei nods slowly, remembering the time before he and Nagisa had someone realized that it was a million times easier to share kisses under a throw blanket than it was to watch each other as they walked away, and holding hands could work even with their height difference. “But Haruka-senpai and Makoto-senpai are… aren’t they?” 

 

“You’d think! They act married, have since day one. But no, they’re not together, not how you’re saying.” Nagisa thinks back to the blank look Makoto had given him, the little swallow, the eyebrows drawn together. And that smile, the one he’d put on in response. It had been the same smile Makoto wore when he was letting something go, when he was going the pacifist's route and leaving some conflict alone. Nagisa didn’t like it, and thinking back on it now makes him feel squirmy inside. “But, they give each other these looks. Mako-chan’s are soft and a little shadowed, and he always hides them. Haru-chan.. is a little harder to read?” 

 

“How so? I know Haruka-senpai is a little difficult to understand, but not impossible.” 

 

“Haru-chan looks at Mako-chan like… I dunno! It’s hard to pinpoint!” Nagisa huffs in frustration, sitting up and straddling Rei, because that way he can rest his forehead on the other boy’s shoulder. Way more comfortable. “Haru-chan looks at Mako-chan like he could listen to Mako-chan talk forever, I guess? Haru-chan always looks most content with Mako-chan.” 

 

Rei’s doing his best to ignore the faint blush creeping up his neck, but having Nagisa so close has an effect of sorts on him. He’s trying to focus on Nagisa’s words, he is! It’s just difficult, when there’s soft puffs of breath on his collar bone, and soft, blonde hair so close and kissable. “I-I think I understand. But I’m not sure I understand why that would make Makoto-senpai sad…” 

 

Nagisa’s laugh sounds like bells to Rei’s ear. (He might be a little biased.) “Rei-chan, you silly! Mako-chan gets jealous, sometimes. Of Rin-chan.” 

 

“Oh.” That.. doesn’t surprise Rei, not really. Makoto’s not the only one that’s a little jealous of Rin. 

 

“But enough about our angsty friends! Haru-chan comes back tomorrow morning, we can figure it out then!” Nagisa pulls back with a smirk, which looks bizarre on his angelic face. Even if it looks misplaced, it’s still adorable. “You finished your homework, I got enough done on mine, why are we still talking? Where are my kisses?” 

 

Rei’s smiling too know, pulling off his glasses to set them with his book. “You make a compelling argument, Nagisa-kun.” 

 

“Nagisa!” 

 

“Nagisa- _ kun!”  _

 

“Argh, Rei-chan!” 

 

“Nagisa-kun, it’s just Re–mmph!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry? im just so tired??? and i wanted some dumb reigisa being saps but worried about makoto? i have never written either i am s OR RY  
> (actually, i've never written any free! fanfiction. this is my first)  
> fun fact: every single comment on this fic has made me literally squeak. no joke. IN CLASS sometimes lmao  
> yeah im sorry for this  
> HARU RETURNS NEXT CHAPTER THO SO ¿YAY???  
> plz love me this is my watery grave


	7. enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> おかえり (Okaeri - welcome home) and ただいま (Tadaima – I'm home)  
> bc liSTEN i hate the subs and the "thank you" like rLLY HARU??
> 
> anyways
> 
> i wrote this in? the last twenty minutes or so of class when i'd finished my work? so lets just ignore how short it is and also ignore that this is the slowest chapter in the world  
> who am i kidding  
> this entire fic is slow as freckleton

The train ride to the airport is quiet. Makoto is quiet. 

 

He woke up with so little water in his mouth he thought he was still dreaming, and the little pills that had become nearly useless were left on the bathroom sink. And yes, maybe it’s more emptiness than healing, but Makoto takes it as a blessing. He’s so, so tired of drowning. 

 

He spends the ride watching the scenery and texting Kisumi, because apparently one intense make out session means they’re back to being friends. It’s.. refreshing. Kisumi is light hearted and makes Makoto laugh. Is Haruka is home, Kisumi is a vacation beach house. 

 

Makoto has to dab at his mouth a couple times with the corner of his shirt, but he’s feeling… He’s feeling okay. He doesn’t know what happened. He can’t tell if it’s emptiness and denial giving him a pair of reasonably dry lungs, or if it’s the fact he finally knows for certain who Haruka would choose (has chosen) has snuffed out the torch he’s been carrying for so long. There’s a lull in his chest, and his heartbeat feels a little faint, but the prospect of seeing Haruka again has him smiling to himself, and his smile has nothing to do with Kisumi’s last text (a picture of a kitten in a tiny, feather hat.) 

 

Makoto may be a little bit heartbroken, but he’s still a little eager to see his best friend.

 

The airport isn’t too busy, thankfully. Haruka hates busy places, and airports have this sense of heightened nerves already. Makoto decides to wait near the entrance, near where, thanks to the sign declaring so, the Australia to Japan flight’s passengers will be arriving in ten minutes. He coughs as he looks down from the sign, and is a little shocked when nothing but a single mouth of stale water is all he gets. 

 

“Are you waiting for someone?” 

 

The voice is musical; it’s childlike and soft. Makoto looks down expectantly, and the face of a little girl in a pink sundress meets his eyes. 

 

“You look like Mama when she’s waiting for Papa!” The little girl is bouncing on her toes, tugging on one of her little pigtails. 

 

Makoto can’t help but smile. “Yes, I’m waiting for someone. He’s very precious to me. But shouldn’t you be staying with your mama?” 

 

The little girl’s eyes go comically wide, and she’s running off before Makoto can say another word. Thankfully, the sight of red hair catches his eye, and he’s calling out to his friends. 

 

He sees familiar hair, familiar shoulders, and those soft fists Haruka makes when he’s walking somewhere and wishes he were somewhere else. 

 

Makoto tries not to look at the gap between Rin and Haruka. 

 

Makoto just waves, smiles, keeps his eyes light. But there’s a moment, a moment before he’s properly greeted Haruka but he’s already shared an entire sentence with Rin. There’s a moment in between green and blue eyes. Haruka’s not saying anything, but not for lack of effort. Makoto knows Haruka, and he doesn’t miss the little stutter, the averted eyes. 

 

Makoto also knows that there’s something that’s changed in the air between them, and it doesn’t feel like drowning. 

 

“Haru...” 

 

_ All you ever do is meddle with everyone!  _

 

_ Stop sticking your nose in everyone else’s business!  _

 

_ I slept with Rin.  _

 

_ Haru and I settled out some stuff.  _

 

“Okaeri.” 

 

Storms always end in a sunny day, and there’s no more rain in Makoto’s chest. He may never have Haruka’s heart quite like Rin does. He may leave soon, to the city, without Haruka by his side. He may have broken some little bit of their friendship, but they know how to heal. 

 

“Tadaima.” 

 

It’s enough. 

 

Because Haruka’s eyes are soft as they meet Makoto’s, and Makoto’s chest isn’t overflowing with a love that would drown them both, rather than keep them afloat. 

 

It’s enough. 

 

Haru is enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HE CALLED HARU-CHAN H A R U AGAIN INSTEAD OF HARUKA AAAA  
> .  
> MAKOTO DONT GIVE UP! COME /ON/ HARU-CHAN  
> like man remember  
> the tag "angst with a happy ending" exists with this fic now  
> like, we gon have more angst  
> BUT  
> also mega fluff  
> (probably about 4ish more chapters???? probably??)  
> internal monologue while writing this was:  
> makO BB ITS OKAY TO B HOPEFUL ABOUT THAT LACK OF WATER IN YO CHEST AND HERE U ARE BEING RESIGNED TO UR FATE OF THE STUPID SHARK TAKING UR HUSBAND  
> and  
> haru i swerr to fek u better get that green eyed angel alone so u 2 can TALK FFS UR TRIP TO AUSTRALIA GAVE U MORE THAN ONE REALIZATION EHH??  
> stop me


	8. waves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [kenmarcadeblues](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kenmarcadeblues) mentioned [THIS SONG AAA](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiUa-zBQFAs&index=2&list=PLQloiMJZ7WTcCBItdKRFkH1CdeVih04fN&shuffle=100) and i had it on repeat while writing this thing (go listen it is? v good) 
> 
> also this surprise kisumi just happened. whoops. ehhh 
> 
> (it should be known that kisumi isnt in love with makoto, so he’s not gonna be all water sick. he cares about mako!!!!! they really do care about each other. but it’s not the kinda _in love_ stuff that will result in water in yo lungs)
> 
> ANYWAYS IM SORRY ABOUT THE MISTAKES ITS FINALS WEEK WE HAVE THESE PRESENTATIONS AND IM STRESSED AND DEAD AND LITERALLY SITTING HERE IN MY DRESSY CLOTHES WRITING FANFICTION murderme

The first full day after Haru and Rin return, Makoto only sees them briefly. They had been standing in front of Haru’s house, and while Rin’s head had been held high, Haru’s face had been hidden behind his bangs, face turned down. Neither had seen Makoto, and so he’d turned back and gone home. This is something he’s going to have to adjust to. Haru chose Rin, which means he needs Rin, and so Makoto is willing to step back. 

 

He swallows two dry, bone-white pills when he gets back home. 

 

Haru has never been  _ his,  _ and logically, Makoto knows this. But the little waves are starting to build up again, lapping at his heart insistantly. Makoto doesn’t have time for a tsunami, so he pulls open books and spreads out the last minute study sheets. Yesterday’s small revelation sank in overnight, turning into background white noise. 

 

Makoto doesn’t need Haru’s heart to be content. And those little waves that keep coming back, they’re just going to be another adjustment. A new tide to memorize. 

 

Kisumi calls some time in the afternoon, interrupting Makoto’s studying. At first, Makoto hesitates to pick up the phone. He’s not sure how he feels about Kisumi right now. The almost overwhelmingly heady haze of roses that Kisumi brings is unfamiliar. Makoto knows Kisumi’s intentions, and knows they’re not entirely unrequited. What would Haru think? Would Haru ever be as jealous as Makoto is when he thinks of sharp teeth and deep red hues? 

 

He picks up the phone on the fourth ring, and an hour later, he’s not alone in his bedroom. The papers are forgotten, crushed beneath Kisumi’s palm as he traps Makoto against the carpet. Their mouths are softer this time, punctuated with laughter that glistens and drips around them. There’s not a puddle on Makoto’s tongue to dilute the taste of candy. 

 

Makoto’s phone buzzes once, but he doesn’t hear it. He’s too busy tugging on Kisumi’s hair, babbling concerns for his poor study sheets, all crinkled and possibly even torn, to which Kisumi retaliates with puppy eyes and a pout. Makoto kisses his pout, halfway to pulling the white buttons apart to get closer to Kisumi. 

 

The doorbell has them both looking up, to the open door that separates Makoto’s room from the rest of the house. 

 

“Ah, I should–” 

 

But Kisumi’s already off of him, sauntering away with a, “I’ll get it!” tossed over his shoulder. 

 

Makoto scrambles up off the floor, adjusting his shirt and stumbling after Kisumi to the door. He opens it quickly, after giving Kisumi a stern look. 

 

What he doesn’t expect when he opens the door is a deluge of watery blue eyes. Haru looks uncomfortable. There’s a line in his shoulders, and his jaw is set. He’s looking at Makoto, yes, but it’s like there’s a translucent veil between them, prohibiting their eyes from really meeting. 

 

“Haru-chan! Did you need help unpacking?” It’s the only thing Makoto can think to say. 

 

“We need to talk. I think…” 

 

Makoto barely has time to register worry before there’s a pair of arms wrapping around him from behind, a chin resting on his shoulder. 

 

“But Mako’s so busy right now!” Kisumi singsongs, his chest pressing up against Makoto’s. There’s a hot friction between their bodies, and it makes Makoto itch. 

 

It makes Makoto itch because suddenly the veil is a wall, slamming down around Haru. His eyes narrow, they harden, they pinpoint Kisumi’s fingers pressed to Makoto’s collarbone. The sunny ocean in Haru’s eyes is suddenly choppy, the gentle blue growing sharp, the kind of sharp that makes Makoto think of razor-sharp teeth and powerful jaws, tails cutting through the water. 

 

“No. We need to talk.” 

 

_ The ocean is pulling him under, now. The crashes of the waves are all he can hear.  _

 

Haru’s steadfast refusal of Kisumi takes Makoto a little surprise, and by the way Kisumi tenses against Makoto, he can tell he’s not the only one taken aback. 

 

Makoto pulls gently from Kisumi’s embrace, turning to glance at him before he leaves with Haru. “I’ll be back in a minute, alright? Please don’t destroy any more paper.” 

 

There’s no pained look in Kisumi’s eyes, just a small spark that Makoto can’t recognize. “Go, Makoto. I’m hungry, anyways! Your kitchen better be well-stocked…” he’s disappearing back into Makoto’s house so quickly, closing the door and closing Makoto outside. 

 

“If Rin is gone, we can go to yours?”  he starts, a little halted a little shrill. Haru is looking at him. He doesn’t know that look, and that terrifies him. Haru looks like he’s about to spin on his heel and become a hurricane, like he could bring back the hurricane in Makoto’s throat in a heartbeat. 

 

“Rin? What? He was just here t–” 

 

_ A wave too large, he can’t face that yet– _

 

“Haru-chan, it’s alright. You don’t have to make up a reason, I know.” 

 

Haru has never in his life looked so startled. His eyes are comically wide, lips parted in a tiny inhale of shocked breath. 

 

“You… know?” 

 

_ His feet stop kicking, his head is slipping under the cold surface.  _

 

“Yes.” 

 

He knows. Makoto knows, Haru doesn’t need to explain. The trickle down into Makoto’s lungs would turn back into a river is he hears the details. Someday, he’ll listen. He’ll listen to Haru describe it, complete with little hand gestures and a tiny, hidden smile. But right now? Right now, Makoto just wants to get this talk over with. 

 

“Then you know that I’m going to follow swimming.” 

 

_ The sky is gone, nothing but churning water and darkness below. Silence.  _

 

Yes, Makoto knows that. Of course Haru is going to swim. Side by side with Rin. Isn’t that how it was always going to be? Makoto will be there to push Haru up when he needs it, but Rin is the one to tug him forward, tug Haru into the future. 

 

“Yes. I’m sure you two will go far. You’ll have to improve your English, but Rin will help you!” 

 

Haru looks at him quickly, tilting his head. His eyes, those beautiful blue eyes, they’re looking at Makoto without understanding. Did Makoto miss something? Why can’t he understand that look?

 

“I’m going to Tokyo, Makoto.” 

 

_ A hand around his wrist, a tug.  _

 

Tokyo?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry this took so long like mAN  
> jealous haru gives me life, he's gonna show up more have no fear  
> OKAY  
> there's gonna be like  
> 3 more chapters  
> next chapter is ACTUAL MAKOHARU INTERACTION WOW GOSH GOLLY  
> okay  
> i need to go now  
> and eat lunch HOO BOY


	9. riptide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A NOTE! I ADORE KISUMI, BUT SOMEONE REALLY NEEDED TO BE THE ONE TO WAKE HARU UP, AND I KNOW KISUMI IS THE SWEETEST GUY IN THE WORLD, AND HE'S FECKIN OOC, I KNOW  
> BUT LISTEN, I JUST NEEDED HIM TO BE LIKE THAT. IM SORRY.   
> also? SCHOOL IS OUT NOW I AM DONE W FINALS I AM READ YTO L I I I V E and write gay ass fanfiction  
> im gonna go write some haikyuu fanfic this summer (~‾⌣‾)~  
> n*ce/ i hate this chapter  
> holy heck the comments? i crave death bc i canNOT HENDLE THEM AAAA I READ EVEERY SINGLE ONE MULTIPLE TIMES!   
> hmu on tumblr @ sunnysharkie  
> kisumi is gonna lighten up quick here, i just really needed someone to emotionally bitch slap haru  
> ONWARDS, MEN!

Since the very start, Makoto had never really planned to do anything about his crush on Haru. They were best friends, and that? That was more important than Makoto’s intense affection for the other boy. He had been planning on getting over his dear Haru. Slowly, slowly, yes. But it would be an eventuality. Eventually, he would be able to look back on his first love and smile fondly. And a big part of that had been the prospect of separation after high school. 

 

“I’m going to Tokyo, Makoto.”

 

_ Tokyo? _

 

Tokyo, with Haru, had  _ not  _ been part of the plan. 

 

Once again, Makoto is drowning. Only, this time? It’s not the water in his chest. It’s the feelings, the overwhelming choking sensation of this ball of confusion and dread, of  _ no no no Haru can’t go with him he can’t watch Haru pine after Rin from afar, he  _ **_can’t_ ** _ he’s not strong enough for that!  _ He’s not drowning from his own heartbreak, this is something new and foreign and  _ terrifying  _ and he can’t–

 

“Makoto!” 

 

Makoto snaps to attention, jumping back against the door and staring at Haru with eyes that are blown wide and flighty. He’s pinned, pinned to a wall by the most beautiful blue he has ever seen, by confusion and concern, by dark lashes and darker bangs. 

 

“Makoto, are you alright?” 

 

And because the universe hates Makoto, it’s right then that he doubles over, his mouth a fresh, bubbling fountain. Because could he go one moment without the accursed water? Apparently not. 

 

Haru is stumbling back. 

Haru is shaking his head. 

Haru is glancing around. 

Haru is going to Tokyo. 

 

Makoto is choking on saliva-riddled tide pools overflowing into the rest of the world. 

 

“You’re sick. Why didn’t you tell me you’re sick?” Haru sounds genuinely worried now, and a little sharp,  _ too  _ sharp. Makoto hates it. 

 

“I–I’m fine, Haru-chan!” Makoto stammers, standing up straight again and quickly wiping his mouth as best he can. “Just a cough, I must have caught it when I went swimming or something, really, it’s no need to worry!” 

 

Unfortunately, Haru is not an idiot. At least, not when something is staring him directly in the eyes. 

 

“That was water, Makoto. A lot of water. How long, exactly?” 

 

And now, Haru is striding towards him, peering up at him with keen, exquisite sapphire eyes. 

 

“It’s not that, really! I have a cough, I swear!” 

 

“Makoto, is it the thing we learned about from my grandmother all those years ago?” 

 

Makoto can’t stumble back, all he can do is press his back harder against the door, and stare down at Haru with trepidation and terror. 

 

“How long, Makoto?” 

 

“Please, Haru-ch–!” 

 

“Is it Kisumi?” 

 

“Wha–no! It’s not Kisumi! I care about him, but I don’t  _ love  _ him!” 

 

Haru steps back, looking the tiniest bit smug, but still unsettled. 

 

“So it is that sickness. But it’s not.. him.” 

 

“Please, Haru, please don’t ask me these things.” 

 

Makoto cannot have this conversation, not with his throat filling up like it’s on a timer, ready to spill over at the worst possible moment. He almost wishes Kisumi would come outside to drag him back in, because he can’t do this, he doesn’t know what’s happening anymore, he’s lost at sea and he abhors it. 

 

“Then who are you in love with, if not him?” 

 

_ You! You! YOU!  _ his brain screams, but Makoto just opens his mouth soundlessly, nothing but a tiny gurgle to be heard. It’s embarrassing, and makes Makoto want to turn and flee. 

 

Then, as if in answer to Makoto’s silent prayers, the door is opening and Kisumi is back, an arm slipping around his waist. 

 

“So, you two done talking? Because really, Makoto is very busy, and I don’t think he needs you to inflict any more pain on him than you already currently are!” Kisumi singsongs, mouth so close to Makoto’s ear it tickles. He’s momentarily caught up in the directness, and is about to scold Kisumi when he notices the look on Haru’s face. 

 

Makoto has seen his best friend make many expressions. 

 

He has seen anger, with his mouth twisted down and his eyes flashing, he has seen heartbreak when his grandmother died, where those eyes were faded and dull. Makoto has seen happiness, the pool mirrored in Haru as if they’re made of the same matter, and Makoto knows that at his core, Haru is more ocean than man. Makoto has even seen soft affection, so fleeting and so precious, soft and gentle and Makoto’s most cherished expression. 

 

What he has not seen, however, is the ice that is closing over Haru’s face. It is the coldest thing Makoto has witnessed, and it is terrifying. Makoto has never been scared of Haru, but in that moment, he is petrified. He is frozen against Kisumi, no heartbeat to warm his numbing fingertips. 

 

“Give Makoto back to me.” 

 

Haru’s voice is flat, it is toneless, but Makoto can see the frostbite behind his words. He can see that there is no gentleness in Haru at the moment, no apathy. He is poised, ready to deal a kill blow. If only Makoto knew exactly whose death is imminent. 

 

“No, I don’t think I will,” Kisumi shrugs, and Makoto nearly jumps as he feels slender fingers slipping under his shirt to trail across his bare hip. “After all, I think he rather likes my style. Did you know he likes being held down, being pushed against things and tangling his hands in my hair?” 

 

Haru is half a meter away, Kisumi is purring into Makoto’s ear, and Makoto has never been more at a loss. 

 

“He’s not yours to keep, your hands are not the ones he has held all these years.” 

 

Makoto can’t look at Kisumi, he can only feel him. And he can’t feel Haru, he can only look at him. 

 

He feels like he’s caught between something deadly, something that could potentially poison and drown him simultaneously. 

 

“Makoto does not need to drown, he needs to be pulled away from the waves pulling him down. Have you ever pulled him up from the water, Haru?” 

 

Haru looks.. He looks caught off guard. He’s not looking at Makoto anymore, not really, he’s stepping back. Makoto wishes he could know what is happening, but he’s as lost as Haru looks, he’s floundering in ankle deep water that is slowly turning into a riptide. 

 

There is a moment, a pause, before Makoto finally takes his last breath. He is not aware it is his last, as there are no crashing hurricanes to herald his end. 

 

There is only a moment he is breathing, and a moment following that when all he knows is soft lips cradling his own, and eyes he knows so well calling to him with the most enchanting of songs. 

 

Haru is kissing him, and there, finally, Makoto drowns. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> levitate me outta here  
> also? as an asexual virgin who has never properly kissed anyone bc she hates it, i cannot write kisses or anything of the like. so. mETAPHORS   
> im sorryplease keep reading to next chap  
> (two more chapters + epilogue? i think??? lets hope so)   
> feck i rlly dont like this chapter. the quality of my writing is s l o w l y decreasing mm boi  
> >>>(((also for any haikyuu kids out there: if i was gonna write a haikyuu fic, which would you prefer!!!!   
> 1) kagehina reincarnation au  
> 2) THIRD YEAR KAGEHINA AND TSUKKIYAMA (we have a theme)  
> 3) prince kageyama and.. sun spirit hina (can u guess i like kagehina? i like all haikyuu ships actually, buT)   
> 4) oisuga hair salon meetup w cat shenanigans and angsty fluff  
> 5) iwaoi In Your Eyes au (the movie is on netflix, it's.. sad? i love it. has happy ending!!!)   
> 6) kenhina childhood friends au! which would turn into kagehinaken!!!!   
> anyways... bye bye! thank yu for readingggg!! (•̀ᴗ•́)و ̑̑


	10. love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LAST FREAKING CHAPTER  
> IM SORRY THERE WAS GONNA BE TWO MORE BUT LIFE IS A BITCH AND IT ENDED HERE  
> ANYWAYS YEAH THERE IS AN EPILOGUE WITH SOME HARU POV FOR THE FUTURE  
> NOW I CAN WRITE HAIKYUU FANFICTION  
> mmboi  
> (written at 4am, so like usual theres a buttload of mistakes)

In the few times Makoto has allowed himself to dream of a first kiss with Haru, the kind of thing he knew realistically would be impossible, it was always after a confession, maybe when he was better, and almost always near a body of water. 

 

None of his fantasies involved Kisumi, and they certainly never involved Kisumi’s hands up Makoto’s shirt. 

 

Makoto has been waiting for the moment when his head sinks below the surface of this hopeless love for so long that he doesn’t even realize what’s happened at first. He’s frozen, unable to breathe, his heart motionless, and his poor heart and lungs struggling to work together to fight the oncoming storm. Or rather, the storm that is there, against Makoto’s lips, tasting vaguely of chlorine and the cooking oil Haru uses on his mackerel. 

 

“Makoto.” 

 

Haru steps back, and there is dark cloud covering his expression as he opens his eyes to look up at Makoto. Haru’s lips are drawn in a thin line, his eyebrows are bunched together, his eyes look faded, his voice sounds washed out. 

 

Makoto doesn’t know what to do, what to say, how to breathe, how to do anything. Haru… 

 

“Well, that sorts that out!” Kisumi says, breathing a sigh that sounds like relief, as his fingers slide away from Makoto’s skin, and Makoto’s back goes cold as Kisumi steps away. 

 

Haru… 

 

...kissed him? 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Somehow, Kisumi must have pulled Makoto to the couch, because now he’s sitting there, with his hands in his lap, staring at the expanse of carpet at his feet. There’s a dishtowel in his hands, and the space beside him Kisumi has recently vacated feels a little empty, but the only thing Makoto really registers is the negative space that weighs heavy on his chest and hangs between an uncertain Haru and himself. 

 

“I don’t understand,” is the first thing Makoto says. He’s so thankful that other than a little extra thin, watery saliva coating his tongue, his mouth is dry. Surely Haru has caught up completely by now, and Makoto doesn’t know how he’s going to deal with that. “I don’t understand, Haru…” 

 

Haru is standing in his living room, and that alone is not an unusual sight. They’ve been in each other’s houses an uncountable number of times, they even have keys, even if they both forget about them. Only now, Haru is stiff, there’s a shiftiness about him that reminds Makoto of a trapped animal. He winces internally at that thought, at the idea that he is trapping Haru. 

 

“What don’t you understand, Makoto?” 

 

“You’re with…” he can say it. It’s just a fact, a simple little fact. Nothing to get choked up over. “You’re with Rin, Haru. You two finally… In Australia… You slept with him, you’re finally together.” 

 

The look of pure shock that lifts Haru’s face is almost amusing. His eyes widen like a startled dear, his hands start to raise, and his mouth is twisting up into a knot like he’s just tasted something incredibly sour. 

 

“Excuse me?” he almost yelps, and his shoulders are lifted as if there’s strings pulling at them. “You think I’m dating _Rin?”_

 

“You are! And I’m ha–happy for you!” Makoto surprises himself with how it flows off his tongue, such a smooth and oily lie, because it’s what it is, right? A lie. (It’s not complete a lie, because if Haru is happy, than so is Makoto.) 

 

Haru’s socked feet make not a sound as he pads over to Makoto, or at least halfway. He’s starting to reach out, the same half hearted gesture he makes towards a body of water too small to swim in. 

 

“You think I’m dating Rin, you’re sick with the loveless water thing, and you won’t look at me in the eye,” Haru lists, taking another step forward. Makoto tries to meet his eyes, fails, and looks down at his feet instead. He doesn’t know how to look at his friend anymore. 

 

“Please explain everything to me, Makoto. I need to understand, and I need to tell you why I’m going to Tokyo.” 

 

A sigh has been building up in Makoto, only when it escapes his chest in a shattering gasp, it’s more sob than sigh, too ragged to be as peaceful as such. 

 

“I’m so sorry, Haru-chan,” he mumbles. He lets his face fall to his hands, closes his eyes as his throat does the same, clenching his jaw to keep himself composed. 

 

“I just want the truth, Makoto.” 

 

The truth. How can he ever tell Haru the truth?

 

And then there are smaller hands tugging at his own, there’s knees brushing his feet as they hit the carpet, and Makoto is blinded by the most intense blue he has ever seen. He’s seen many, many beautiful shades of blue, but the pure emotions radiating from Haru’s eyes in that instant nearly knock Makoto backwards. 

 

When Haru looks at Rin, there is a spark, something wild and beautiful and invigorating, something that spurs them on towards the finish line as that spark turns into a blaze as their eyes meet at the end of each race. 

 

As Haru looks at Makoto now, there is something so deep and so pure it takes Makoto a few moments to catch up. There is no spark, no challenge, there is only the quiet love that reaches for Makoto in a silent plea. Those are Haru’s eyes, it is Haru’s love, and Makoto only recognizes it because that quiet love is the mirror image of what flows through his entire being when he looks at his dearest Haru. Makoto has spent so long trying to persuade himself that loving Haru is just how he will live the rest of his long years, that he’s forgotten to look at Haru properly. 

 

But he’s looking now. 

 

Finally, Makoto is looking at Haru, and Haru is looking back. 

 

Loving Haru has never been a sickness. 

 

It was a waiting period, a slowed pause so that Haru had the chance to catch up. 

 

It was a fight against the thing Haru lives and breathes naturally, but that Makoto had to suppress with medication and too many smothered coughs. 

 

It is how Makoto lives, how he will always live, side by side his best friend, because he knows now not to forget to look at Haru. 

 

For Makoto, loving Haru has never been a sickness. 

 

For Makoto, loving Haru is simply his truest state of being. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i know this was a weird ending, like they didnt ACTUALLY talk yet AND ALL THAT BUT  
> I WAS WRITING IT AND I JUST FEEL LIKE THIS IS THE END (welllllll i mean of the storyline theres some future stuff i have yet to post even though its DONE lmao do i post it now or later? idek)  
> THIS WAS AN EXPERIENCE TO WRITE KIDS HOLY FRWAKING HECK  
> so i am well aware there are SO MANY MISTAKES IN THIS bc? i have never edited a single chapter  
> so maybe in a couple weeks or so i will go through and edit it  
> IN THE MEAN TIME  
> i have the epilogue already written  
> but im gonna wait to post it till tomorrow  
> UNLESS MY PATIENCE FAILS ME WHICH IT PROBABLY WILL LMAO I SUCC  
> so that was a thing  
> and its over now  
> phew  
> who's ready for fantasy kagehina and rom com oisuga AM I RIGHT FOLKS  
> come cry w me on tumblr @ sunnysharkie  
> (im sorry this ending was so weak)  
> THANKS FOR STICKING WIHT ME


	11. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the Epilogue™  
> (someone mentioned haru pov a while ago? well here u go)

_In the years that will slide away past him, the details blurring and the edges ripping, Haru will learn many things._

 

_He will learn the struggle of balancing school and sleep and self care and swimming, how it will catch his feet in the sludge of responsibilities, but how he will always have a hand to pull him away from that overwhelming sludge and into gentle arms, up to peppered kisses._

 

_He will learn how to teach Makoto how to cook, that matching aprons somehow make everything better, and finger tasting is absolutely essential, unless he is cooking with the littlest Tachibanas._

 

_He will learn not to glare at white fur left by a pampered kitten with the ridiculous name who will leave tiny paw prints all over his freshly washed jammers._

 

_He will learn how it feels to have the whole world cheering him on, a stadium full of anticipation, a hundred million televisions turned on to broadcast his beautiful stroke, the cheers nearly pushing him back to the bottom of the pool. He will feel the weight of a medal, flat against his bare chest as the ribbon rubs his neck, chafing the damp skin uncomfortably._

 

_He will learn that he will hear none of this, he will see nothing but the eyes of his dearest, the smile that still manages to glow, even when bathed in artificial light. He will see nothing but gentle green eyes which radiate affection so gleaming and clear he will blink, blinded by the sheer love and devotion and_ pride _written on his Makoto’s face._

 

_He will learn the taste of mackerel after a victory, garnished with pineapple and sauce that drips from Makoto’s fingers as he snatches it up, only so he will be the one to feed Haru the last bite, his laugh turning into a chiding yelp when Haru sucks on his fingers for too long to be table appropriate._

 

_He will learn that living with Makoto means accepting the small bottle of white pills kept for bad days, that he will have to wake up to days that start with a hastily hidden puddle on the green pillow that lies in their bed. He will have to adjust to the little towel Makoto sometimes carries, as the water never truly goes away, as is natural, according to their doctor._

 

_He will learn the joy of coming home before Makoto, the beauty of the chance to be the one to welcome his dearest home._

 

_He will learn the feel of a silver band round his ring finger, replaced with gold half a year later, learn to take it off before swimming and how to display it in the subtlest ways possible the rest of the time._

 

_Haru will learn many things, in the years that he and Makoto will live._

 

_But the one thing he will learn every day, during every night spent pressed against each other in a gentle embrace, in every morning kiss and at every shared dinner, is the realization that he needs nothing on this earth like he needs Makoto._

 

_Haru will forget many things too, as they become older, as they celebrate anniversaries, as they talk about family, as they progress through life._

 

_He will forget so much, as his life goes out with the tide and he passes each decade. What Haru will never forget is the love that permeates his heart, his body, his soul._

 

_In all the years of Haru’s life, nothing will shine as brightly as his dearest, his love, his Makoto._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (the pampered kitten's name is Fish. and yes, she's that little white one from the anime. they take her to tokyo with them bc IDEKY)  
> we're ACTUALLY ALL THE WAY DONE  
> what happened to makoto's family? where did kisumi go? how tf does rin react? where did reigisa go??? nobody knows  
> this kinda lost the quality? i had a lot more planned sorry kids  
> thaNKS FOR READING I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART

**Author's Note:**

> IF I CONTINUE THIS, IT'LL BE HAPPY  
> LIKE, HOPEFUL ENDING HAPPY  
> SO SHOULD I? IDK MAN  
> (sobs bc i have OTHER FICS TO BE WRITING NOT THIS TRASH)


End file.
